"I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T"

I've been a little down lately because every young woman that I spent my high school years socializing with is either married or engaged. I started looking at myself, wondering if there was something wrong with me, and Why not me????

Just as I was about to fall into a state of utter self-pity, it hit me:

If I were to be engaged or marry within the next two years, I would be going COMPLETELY against my convictions.

Before someone is married, I believe that they should be an independent person. Meaning that they should be independent from their parents emotionally, spiritually, financially, and sometimes physically. They should be able to make their own decisions about their own life, without their parents, friends, and society's approval/disapproval, and should be accomplishing, purposeful individuals. They should also recognize that they are accountable to God, and the same aforementioned people.

I believe several scriptures supports this conviction.

Numbers 30: Then Moses said to the heads of the tribes of the Israelites: This is what the LORD has commanded. ²When a man makes a vow to the LORD, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word; he shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth.

3 When a woman makes a vow to the LORD, or binds herself by a pledge, while within her father's house, in her youth, ⁴and her father hears of her vow or her pledge by which she has bound herself, and says nothing to her; then all her vows shall stand, and any pledge by which she has bound herself shall stand. ⁵But if her father expresses disapproval to her at the time that he hears of it, no vow of hers, and no pledge by which she has bound herself, shall stand; and the LORDwill forgive her, because her father had expressed to her his disapproval.
6 If she marries, while obligated by her vows or any thoughtless utterance of her lips by which she has bound herself, ⁷and her husband hears of it and says nothing to her at the time that he hears, then her vows shall stand, and her pledges by which she has bound herself shall stand. ⁸But if, at the time that her husband hears of it, he expresses disapproval to her, then he shall nullify the vow by which she was obligated, or the thoughtless utterance of her lips, by which she bound herself; and the LORD will forgive her. ⁹(But every vow of a widow or of a divorced woman, by which she has bound herself, shall be binding upon her.) ¹⁰And if she made a vow in her husband's house, or bound herself by a pledge with an oath, ¹¹and her husband heard it and said nothing to her, and did not express disapproval to her, then all her vows shall stand, and any pledge by which she bound herself shall stand. ¹²But if her husband nullifies them at the time that he hears them, then whatever proceeds out of her lips concerning her vows, or concerning her pledge of herself, shall not stand. Her husband has nullified them, and the LORD will forgive her. ¹³Any vow or any binding oath to deny herself,^a her husband may allow to stand, or her husband may nullify.¹⁴But if her husband says nothing to her from day to day,^b then he validates all her vows, or all her pledges, by which she is obligated; he has validated them, because he said nothing to her at the time that he heard of them. ¹⁵But if he nullifies them some time after he has heard of them, then he shall bear her guilt.
16 These are the statutes that the LORD commanded Moses concerning a husband and his wife, and a father and his daughter while she is stillyoung and in her father's house.

a Or to fast b Or from that day to the next

A few points I want to make:

1. The LORD was talking about vows being made to Him by women and men. It states the if a man makes a vow--He should keep it.
2. The LORD places two conditions of a woman's word or vow being nullified by her father or parental authority 1) she must be a youth/in her childhood and 2) in her father's house

The focus that the LORD makes is on maturity AND independence.

Interestingly enough, there are no instructions made for an adult woman, who is living in her father's home. Why? Could it be because she is considered independent from her father's authority, because of her maturity? I believe that can be up for interpretation, and in my opinion, I believe it to be so.

Another passage that I believe supports my view, is Proverbs 31.

Ode to a Capable Wife

¹⁰ A capable wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
¹¹ The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
¹² She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
¹³ She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
¹⁴ She is like the ships of the merchant,
she brings her food from far away.
¹⁵ She rises while it is still night
and provides food for her household
and tasks for her servant-girls.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She girds herself with strength,
and makes her arms strong.
¹⁸ She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
²⁰ She opens her hand to the poor,
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
²¹ She is not afraid for her household when it snows,
for all her household are clothed in crimson.
²² She makes herself coverings;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is known in the city gates,
taking his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them;
she supplies the merchant with sashes.
²⁵ Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
²⁶ She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
²⁷ She looks well to the ways of her household,
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children rise up and call her happy;
her husband too, and he praises her:
²⁹ "Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all."
³⁰ Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
³¹ Give her a share in the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the city gates.

a Cn: Heb where b Heb all children of passing away

Some more points that I want to make. This woman is:

1. an adult woman being spoken about
2. financially independent (vs. 16, 18, 24)
3. trusted by her husband, and brings him financial gain (vs. 11)
4. a working woman (vs. 13, 15, 18, 19, etc.)
5. financially wise (vs. 18)
6. manages her household (vs. 15)
7. a HEALTHY woman (vs. 17)
8. a wise and knowledgeable woman (vs. 26)
9. a benevolent woman (vs. 20)

There are many more points that I could point out about this woman that King Lemuel talks about in Proverbs 31, but I'll stop there. I must remember that this exact example of a woman is not mandated by God, or Jesus, and I believe that we should examine the basic principles of the way this woman lived her life, and use the wisdom that she exemplifies.

One factor that is sometimes overlooked is that this woman was all of these things independently from her husband and father. This was a woman who was personally accountable for her actions, and knew that. This woman did not wait for permission from her father, her husband, or society to allow her to A problem that I believe is in the Christian Church today, is that people believe that the woman is the housekeep/child-rearer, and the man is the one to go out and "win the bread." But when looking at this example of a purposeful, productive, and independent woman, it is clear that it is an equal financial and spiritual responsibility.

In my opinion, marriage itself is a partnership. There is not one person responsible for the financial, emotional, and spiritual provision for the family; there isn't one person responsible for the raising of the children; it is a collective effort by both the husband AND the wife. When a person marries, they change from being independent to being interdependent, sharing a common life, responsibility, and purpose.

Reflecting on all of this as a single woman, it is very important for me to understand that in order for me to be a wonderful wife and mother, I must posses good qualities PRIOR to the process of being married and a mother. I must also posses these qualities for my own personal growth, and not for the purpose of being married and a mother--though having these qualities benefit these positions tremendously.

I believe it high time for women and men to stop searching for a lifetime partner and focusing on personal growth, and living life, as well as being financially responsible for yourself and learning how to be responsible for their own actions.

As hard as it may be, I must shift my mind and heart towards the place where God has called me: independence. Yes, it will be hard to do it without the motivating factor of marriage. But I should always remember that my ultimate goal is to honor God in the place where He has called me.